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Impeach George Bush
What God Told Al Franken
Of course God Loves Al Franken. Who doesn't, other than Rupert Murdoch's News Corp? I mean, when the judge summarily dismisses a baseless case for one of the biggest corporations in the world, there's only one person to blame - GOD. Anyway, too bad for Fox, Lies and the Lying Liars that Tell Them" is officially a Fair and Balanced look at Fox.
Source: TheTip, 2003-08-24
Candidate: Big Business
GOD CHOSE ME to write this book.
Just the fact that you are reading this is proof not just of God's existence, but also of His/Her/Its beneficence. That's right. I am not certain of God's precise gender. But I am certain that He/She/It chose me to write this book.
This isn't hubris. I’m not saying this in an egotistical way. God didn't choose me because I'm the greatest writer who ever lived. That was William Shakespeare, whose work I have a passing familiarity with. No. I just happened to be the right vessel at the right time. If something in this book makes you laugh, it was God's joke. If something makes you think, it's because God had a good point to make.
The reason I know God chose me is because God spoke to me personally.
God began our conversation by clearing something up. Some of George W. Bush's friends say that Bush believes God called him to be president during these times of trial. But God told me that He/She/It had actually chosen Al Gore by making sure that Gore won the popular vote and, God thought, the electoral college. "THAT WORKED FOR EVERYONE ELSE," God said.
"What about Tilden?" I asked, referring to the 1876 debacle.
"QUIET!" God snapped. God was angry.
God said that after 9/11, George W. Bush squandered a unique moment of national unity. That instead of rallying the country around a program of mutual purpose and sacrifice, Bush cynically used the tragedy to solidify his political power and pursue an agenda that panders to his base and serves the interests of his corporate backers.
God told me that Bush squandered a $4.6 trillion surplus and is plunging us into deficits as far as God can see. And that Bush squandered another surplus. The surplus of goodwill from the rest of the world that he had inherited from Bill Clinton.
And this was pissing God off.
He/She/It was right. But it sounded like a lot of work.
"Look, God, I'm flattered, but I think you got the wrong guy. The kind of book you’re talking about would require months of research."
And God said, "LET THERE BE GOOGLE. AND LET THERE BE LEXISNEXIS."
"Very funny, God. I use Google all the time."
"YES, I KNOW," God said. "FOR HOT ASIAN TEENS."
"You must be thinking of my son, Joe."
"AL? I’M OMNISCIENT."
"Okay, okay." I changed the subject. "It's just that I can't do this book myself."
"LEAVE THAT TO ME," God boomed.
And that's when Harvard called.
Harvard's Kennedy School of Government asked me to serve as a fellow at its Shorenstein Center on the Press, Politics, and Public Policy. After my varied and celebrated career in television, movies, publishing, and the lucrative world of corporate speaking, being a fellow at Harvard seemed, frankly, like a step down.
I couldn't think of anything less appealing than molding the minds of tomorrow's leaders, unless it was spending fireside evenings sipping sherry with great minds at the Faculty Club. Yawn.
To my surprise and delight, though, all Harvard wanted me to do was show up every once in a while and write something about something. That gave me an idea.
"Would it be okay if I wrote a scathingly partisan attack on the rightwing media and the Bush administration?"
"No problem," Harvard said absentmindedly.
"Count me in," I replied. "From now on call me 'Professor Franken.'"
"No," Harvard said, "you’re not a professor. But you can run a study group on the topic of your choosing."
"Great," I said. "I've got the perfect topic: Write My Son's Harvard College Application Essay."
"No," they said. “"Harvard students already know how to write successful Harvard applications, Al. We want you to teach them something new."
Harvard was right where I wanted it. "How about if the topic is: How to Research My Book?"
"Sure," Harvard said. "Most of our professors teach that course. Why, in the Biochemistry department, most of the graduate level courses are-"
Harvard was boring me. "I gotta run, Harvard. Thanks."
I had my Nexis, I had my Google, I had my Harvard fellowship, and I had my fourteen research assistants. I sat down to write. Nothing.
So I got on my knees and prayed for guidance. "How, God, can I best do Your work through this book? Who, dear Lord, is the audience for a book like this? And what’s a good title?"
God answered, "YOU KNOW THOSE SHITTY BOOKS BY ANN COULTER AND BERNIE GOLDBERG?"
"The best-sellers that claim there's a liberal bias in the media?" I asked.
"TOTAL BULLSHIT," God said. "START BY ATTACKING THEM. HE'S CLEARLY A DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE, AND SHE JUST LIES. BY THE WAY, THERE'S SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH HER."
"That's pretty obvious."
"SO GO AFTER THEM, THE WHOLE LIBERAL BIAS MYTH, AND THEN GO AFTER THE RIGHT-WING MEDIA. ESPECIALLY FOX."
"Okay, God, I'm writing this down."
"THEN USE THEM AS A JUMPING-OFF POINT TO GO AFTER BUSH. YOU KNOW, BIG TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH, SURGING UNEMPLOYMENT, IGNORING EVERYONE BUT HIS CORPORATE BUDDIES, SCREWING THE ENVIRONMENT, PISSING OFF THE REST OF THE WORLD. THAT STUFF. AND THAT'S YOUR BOOK."
"Got it. One last thing. Title."
"HOW ABOUT BEARERS OF FALSE WITNESS AND THE FALSE WITNESS THAT THEY BEAR?"
"Hmm. I, uh, I'll work with that."
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User Originated Comments:
From: kurt
2005-10-27 08:41:02
keep beating that dead horse, everyone. at least
through the 2008 election!
From: M.C
2004-12-16 03:33:37
from: jamie brown
it seems that
republicans are the ones so full of hate. if you
are truly republican you would not say such
s____t. anyway i hope those that have this much
hate rot in
hell.
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from:
charles young
krystal, you are a puppet.
you are a non thinker.
al frankin is a
homosexual soon to be aids ridden punk.
his
book has no truth in it. and people like you are
brainwashed
idiots
----------------------------------
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from:
charles young
you liberals s--k.
you
couldnt unite behind any president. you are a
disgrace and you will get paid for your evil
deeds.
president bush is honest and has more
integrity than the whole democratic party put
together. oh by the way
al frankenstien
s--ks!!!!
and so does your
moma
excuse me...did i hear you say
we are the ones with the hate...hrmm why does that
seem...oh slightly off? guess you didnt read the
part and i quote "if you listen to a lot of
conservatives, they'll tell you that the
difference between them and us is that
conservatives love america and liberals hate
america. that we "blame america first" that we're
suspicous of patriotism and always think our
country's in the wrong. as conservative radio and
tv personality sean hannity says, we liberals
"train our children to criticize america, not
celebrate it".
they dont get it. we love
america just as much as they do.but in a different
way. you see, they love america the way a
four-year old loves her mommy. liberals love
america like grown-ups to a four year old,
everything mommy does is wonderful and anyone who
criticizes mommy is bad. grown-up love means
actually understanding what you lvoe, taking the
good with the bad and helping your loved one grow.
love takes attention and work is the best thing in
the world.
From: Rep. from Madtown
2004-10-07 09:01:40
i never heard a lib crying about lies when clinton
was in office... and they had plenty of lies to
choose from then.
From: a vote for bush is a vote for terrorism
2004-10-03 20:02:48
things you have to believe to be a republican
today:
saddam was a good guy when reagan
armed him, a bad guy when bush's daddy made war on
him, a good guy when cheney did business with him
and a bad guy when bush needed a "we can't find
bin laden" diversion.
trade with cuba is
wrong because the country is communist, but trade
with china and vietnam is vital to a spirit of
international harmony.
the united states
should get out of the united nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing u.n.
resolutions against iraq.
a woman can't
be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions
affecting all mankind without regulation.
jesus loves you, and shares your hatred
of homosexuals and hillary clinton.
the
best way to improve military morale is to praise
the troops in speeches while slashing veterans'
benefits and combat pay.
if condoms are
kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
a good way to fight terrorism is to
belittle our long-time allies, then demand their
cooperation and money.
providing health
care to all iraqis is sound policy.
providing
health care to all americans is socialism.
hmos and insurance companies have the
best interests of the public at heart.
global warming and tobacco's link to
cancer are junk science, but creationism should be
taught in schools.
a president lying
about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense.
a president lying to enlist
support for a war in which thousands die is solid
defense policy.
government should limit
itself to the powers named in the constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring
the internet.
the public has a right to
know about hillary's cattle trades, but george
bush's driving record is none of our business.
being a drug addict is a moral failing
and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio
host like rush limbaugh. then it's an illness, and
you need our prayers for your recovery.
you support states' rights, which means
attorney general john ashcroft can tell states
what local voter initiatives they have the right
to adopt.
what bill clinton did in the
1960s is of vital national interest,
but what
bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
friends don't let friends vote
republican!
From: Jamie Brown
2004-09-29 18:59:54
it seems that republicans are the ones so full of
hate. if you are truly republican you would not
say such s____t. anyway i hope those that have
this much hate rot in hell.
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